just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
