I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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