I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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