Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
