How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
