I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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