he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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