in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
fuck your aforementioned shoe
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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