And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
