you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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