i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
is wine microwaveable?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
