you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
