Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
