my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The feeling are messing with the penis
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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