The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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