I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Randomize
