Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
