I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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