Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
