well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
