i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
