I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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