I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
