singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
