This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
