walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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