just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I want her autograph on my taint
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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