Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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