i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
