I swear she didn't look like that last week.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
