A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
