i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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