i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
