I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
