I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
