my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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