Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
