just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
