I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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