He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
