btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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