You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Soap is not a condiment
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
