I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
