My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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