I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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