a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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