Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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