I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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