my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
