that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
