You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
